There are nights like tonight where I feel that the words are just stuck inside me, begging me to make sense of them. I often feel stuck, waiting for the next move to happen, the next adventure to unfold…But then nothing.
I stood looking at the sky tonight, thinking about how little I can control in this life. I’m only 32, but sometimes I feel like an old soul, wrestling with questions too great for my understanding and far beyond my years. Life has a way of wearing us down and breaking us apart. Staring at the night sky reminds me of how small I really am and how numerous are the questions I have for God.
Why all the pain in this life?
Why am I alive in this day and age?
Why do I feel so restless, so anxious, so broken?
Why do You feel far away when You say You’re close?
Tonight I’m asking questions and wrestling with my restlessness. I’m wondering why life never stays in the same place for too long, why close friends leave, and why dreams die. As my love sleeps in the next room, I sit here with my cat, Pumpkin, contemplating the complex questions of the universe…What a strange, yet magical night. Despite the depression and loneliness I feel right now, these can be some of the most interesting nights of the year as I sit here with an orange cat and think about life’s complexity.
This isn’t a post where I share any insight that will inspire you to pursue your dreams, begin a life of creativity, or profess orthodox faith. Tonight, this is simply me wide-awake, asking my Daddy to remind me that I’ll be alright, that my life matters to Him, and that He’ll be with me through each dark night.
The longer I live the more I realize that hope isn’t a feel-good word. Hope is what we cling to when we fall down, when we feel alone, and when we can’t see in the darkness. Hope is what I’m grasping as I sit here and type a bunch of words, words that are pouring from a tired and heavy soul.
Hope is very, very real and indescribable. Hope is why I’m sitting here writing in the first place. I hope these words find you and speak to you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re feeling, that you will know your Daddy loves you. If I can say anything to conclude that makes any sense to you, this is all I can offer tonight: don’t let the darkness of tonight steal the light of tomorrow. God is for you, hope is real, and your life matters. I hope you know that you matter.