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The Beastly Evils of Decaf Coffee

“Not all those who wander are lost.” – J.R.R. Tolkien

No J.R.R., not all who wander are lost. Yet, those who drink decaf coffee are beyond remedy.

Some of you know and others don’t. Let me share a secret: I’m addicted to coffee. In fact, I even fed this addiction for many years as an employee at Starbucks. Free drinks? A free bag of coffee each week? An employee discount? Ummm….duh!

Coffee has done many great things for me in my life. I met my wife at Starbucks. Many of the best conversations I’ve ever had took place in a coffee shop. In fact, I’m sitting in a coffee shop at this very moment, writing this gem of a piece to shed light on a grotesque problem in our society.

Decaf coffee is of the devil.

If Jesus were to walk into a Starbucks, do you really think he would order decaf? Check your heart. No. No, He would not. He would spit it out before embracing the poisonous elixir of the enemy.

Don’t believe me that decaf coffee is demonic? Well, I’ve taken the liberty of outlining a few reasons that are indisputable.

  1. There’s no benefit to drinking decaf coffee. Think about it: what comes of drinking decaf? Caffeinated coffee brings our minds and our bodies to life! Decaf? It does absolutely NOTHING.
  2. Decaf coffee beans don’t smell as good as caffeinated coffee beans. No, this isn’t scientifically proven, but is sounds right to me.
  3. Decaf coffee is like breaking a credit card instead of a dollar bill. It makes no sense (or cents). It’s just a worthless piece of junk.
  4. There are theories that Adolf Hitler and the Nazis loved decaf coffee. Don’t believe me? A German was the first person to commercially distribute decaf coffee in 1903. Hitler was all about that home-cooking (or brewing). Please see for more details on this travesty.
  5. Decaf Coffee is like a body without a soul. The true essence is gone, left with only a shell of what once was…

Need I go on, people?

If you truly love your friends and family, next time they order decaf coffee, slap it out of their hands! Grab it, pour it down the sink, and intervene in prayer!

Friends who allow friends to drink decaf coffee are no friends at all.

Case closed.