The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting (no, not that kind of tweeting), and the breeze feels like a perfect day at the beach. As I sit on my apartment patio enjoying the view, my heart should be happy…I know it. My faith in God should be strong…I know that too.
Yet, right now, in this very moment, I’m terrified. Terrified of what comes next. I’ve always associated with the Apostle Peter more than any other, primarily because he had the same weakness: doubt.
Doubt is coursing through my veins like a drug poisoning my soul…I’ve been experiencing great difficulty this past week and I’m wondering where God is in the mess…
I write about thoughts on God, dreams, creativity, and brokenness, often sharing my opinions from a very strong and confident position. Don’t get me wrong, I believe those things with all of my heart, but I’m still a human being who suffers and falls into seasons of doubt. This is such a season.
“God is good but will He listen?”
– U2, “Staring At The Sun”
I’ve often asked this question…Maybe that’s why I’ve always loved the lyrics written by Bono: they’re honest, not full of pomp and pretense.
God, I know You are good; I’ve seen You in action many times before. And yet, when life gets out of control, do You even hear my cries for help? Am I just a speck on earth, completely lost in the crowd? My faith says You’re with me, but the doubt in my heart says You’re gone. One side of my soul believes; the other side of my soul doubts.
I’m not full of any answers about why God allows things in life to be unfair and unjust. All I know is that I’m left with my faith and doubt at war…And maybe that’s alright. Maybe I’m OK. Maybe God can use that little piece of faith that’s wandering around somewhere within my soul.
Until the day that I can see more clearly, I will trust that God is with me, that He cares, and that His grace is sufficient.
That’s all I know to say…