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Dreams, Regrets, Hopes, & Fears – Late Night Contemplations

“If we’ve only got one try
If we’ve only got one life
If time was never on our side
Then before I die
I want to burn out bright”

Switchfoot, “Burn Out Bright”
Regret is hard to erase; hope is easy to forget. My head is spinning out in dark and light places, crashing down around me.

Who could I have been if…?

Am I destined to keep failing and losing all of my dreams?

If only I hadn’t made those decisions then, where would I be today?

I’m my own worst enemy…It’s not something I should admit, but screw it. The person I see in the mirror each day is the one who gives himself hell for every mistake, every missed opportunity, every failure, and every stupid decision. No one can put me down quite like myself. The art of self-deprecation is my specialty…Watching myself burn comes easier for me than giving myself grace. It’s a strange, strange world inside my mind…

I’m not the man I hoped I would be at this stage of my life. When i was 23, if you would have told me that I’d be here at the age of 33, I’d probably fall to the floor, weeping…and not for joy. I’m married to my best friend, my health is in good report, and I love writing these ramblings – all very good things I would never trade away. Yet, even then, the dreams that have gone unfulfilled cling to my soul like superglue. “Yesterday” is a word I’ve grown to loathe in my journey of risk and failure. Again, just being honest.

Jesus often feels distant, my dreams increasingly appear to be so absurd, and every day keeps passing me by as I live in a world where I don’t fit in…Yet, even so, I can’t escape Jesus…He will fascinate me until the day I die, even when I feel like he’s galaxies away.

I want to live for more than just being alive…This life isn’t just meant for survival and self-preservation; we were designed for a life that is bigger than just ourselves. That’s the life I’m longing for…The life that pursues truth, that is spent serving others in need of hope, and that is engulfed by the love of the Father.

I want to live for more than just being alive…