It is difficult to believe in a God who is out of control, simply watching the world burn. It is even more difficult to believe in a God who is in control, and yet, doesn’t always intervene when the world is in utter chaos. These questions have torn many a searching soul, including my own. Why would a good God allow me to suffer with depression and anxiety after seeking Him in my youth? Why would God allow tragedy to strike so many people around the world, with apparent silence as His response?
And yet, I have abandoned my life for this Jesus who confuses me beyond reason or intellect. I may be a fool, but this mysterious God simply captivates me beyond resistance.
This is exactly why we are not God. We are mere humans beyond fully understanding His ways. I know…This is a hard idea to accept: to believe that God would allow horrible tragedy in our lives for a greater plan beyond our comprehension. And yet, until we are willing to accept that we reside in a fallen world of our own making and that God often uses this mess for His own plan of redemption, we will never be able to fully accept the love and grace of the Father.
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” – Isaiah 55:8
I was a poster child for “good Christian kid” growing up. I didn’t drink, smoke, or swear (at least not often). I made mostly wise choices on what entertainment I digested. In other words, I was pretty righteous in my own eyes. But as I grew older, my anxieties worsened, my depression wouldn’t subside, and my fear of the future overwhelmed. I was just as broken as everyone else, falling apart on the inside while parading a healthy image of the guy I longed to become.
My thoughts were far from the Father’s, despite my desire to seek truth. I followed Jesus, but I never fully experienced His grace until my life completely fell apart.
It’s a paradox, but until you experience the need for grace you never truly understand it.
Life has a strange way of reminding us that we are broken, we are not as wise as we believe ourselves to be, and we are all in desperate need for God. C.S. Lewis addresses these questions and doubts in his book “The Problem Of Pain”. If you have not taken time to read this classic, I would highly recommend it.
For whatever reason, God allowed my anxiety and depression to completely consume me, until there was no escaping the fact that I was completely in need of Him, His grace, and His embrace. There was simply no escaping the darkness without hope. My dreams of acting fell apart as I held on for dear life, wondering why God had allowed me to fail in such a public display.
And yet, His ways have always been beyond that which I understand; His grace is infinity beyond my wildest dreams.
Skeptics often question faith, calling it a crutch for the broken, a salve for the weak-minded. I cannot agree more…I am lame, weak, and broken, completely in need of a Healer who knows how to reach the deepest parts of my soul that no physician can ever touch. Weakness is often what drives humanity to the embrace of Jesus; in our darkest moments He often makes Himself known.
In the silence of loneliness, despair, and spiritual starvation we come face-to-face with our own hollow being, desperately longing for the living God.
I am a Christian because I desperately need Jesus. I am a Christian because God doesn’t fit into my simple understanding. I am a Christian because Jesus offers authentic life, that which is beyond my own creation. I am a Christian because Jesus is beyond religion; He is life, freedom, love, hope, and truth…At least I believe what He said about Himself. Again, I may be a fool, but I’m willing to take the risk of wasting my life for Jesus.
I am a follower of Jesus because He whispered into my soul at my darkest, when everyone else was absent. He was with me in the darkest nights, in the tears, and the heartache. Humanity was nowhere to be found, but there He was, embracing my soul with grace. He is not some figment of imagination, for I could never design such grace and beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I consider myself to be creative, but a God of such infinite love is simply not in my arsenal of concoctions.
Why do you believe what you believe, whatever that may be in this moment? Even atheism and agnosticism require faith, so again, why do you believe what you believe? Have you read the words of Jesus for yourself? Is he a psycho, or is He actually the redeemer of life? He’s one or the other; there are no other alternatives.
I will leave you today with something to think about:
“Science does an excellent job of explaining why we don’t have tails. It doesn’t do
as well explaining why we find that interesting…” – Rob Bell
Curiosity, imagination, creativity, and art cannot be created in a test tube. These expressions are the echo of the desperate longing for the spiritual, the eternal, and the God of life.
That is why I am a Christian.