“Of all of these things
I’m so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I’ve made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go”
Jars Of Clay, “Much Afraid”
I’m scared to death…I’m alright…I’m out of breath…I’m hanging on…Swing, swing, swung…Pendulum of my heart and mind, why must you keep swinging and never stop to take a breath?
Demons are real, I truly believe. Yet, I also believe that we create our own “demons” – the ones that haunt us within our memories, our regrets, our hopes, and our fears. These demons speak with our voice, they know all of our thoughts, and they remember all of our worst days. These demons aren’t fallen angels, they’re unholy ghosts that live within our fallen nature.
I’m tired, I’m worn out, and life is hard. Let’s admit it: life isn’t always easy to understand. Yet, even so, I have hope in my weary soul; I have hope that things can and will get better. How does that look in my life? I have no earthly idea…I wish I knew…
Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t…It’s possible that I’m writing just for myself. Either way, my mind is tired and my heart is heavy tonight. Life isn’t what I once dreamed and it’s hard for me to come to the end of another day knowing that I’ll never get this one back.
I write about hope, but I also know what it is to hold tight to that reality, knowing that better days are ahead. Why? Because hope is real. I’ve seen better days arrive when my life was spiraling out of control and I know that every season has an end.
This season of my life has been strange, confusing, complicated, frustrating, discouraging, and strangely hopeful. I don’t understand the mix, nor do I want to over-analyze it. I’m just ready for this season to transition to the next.
The demons I’ve made are haunting me in this season and that’s something I see with eyes that know better. My feelings are telling me to give into despair, while truth reminds me that hope will be with me for eternity.
In the meantime, I suppose I’ll war against my fallen self, I’ll seek hope in each tiny crevice of every day, and I’ll keep sharing the hope I’ve found with a hurting world in need.