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My Own Personal Hell

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?” – Rumi

There is an enemy that knows me all too well, who lurks in the shadows of my heart and who speaks into the darkest parts of my mind’s eye. He is deceptive and hate-filled – a goblin of a lonely void.

My greatest enemy is the one I call “myself”.

Doubt. Condemnation. Self-loathing. Self-destruction. Self-hatred. The characteristics of the imposter within, scratching at the core of who I long to become.

Anxiety and depression can be incredibly lonely, painful, and terrifying. I’m no stranger to such a condition. It’s easy to withhold grace from ourselves during those seasons, further punishing ourselves for fighting a battle that is not our fault. That’s been such a hurdle for me in my own journey of healing: realizing that I can give myself grace for being broken.

Hell is where the heart is when it is living in the void of fear, despair, and doubt.

If anyone knows what it’s like to torture yourself in your own mind, I know…If anyone knows what it’s like to breathe in the aroma of grace, I know that too…Not perfectly, but it’s something I’m becoming stronger at every day.

The door to healing and redemption is wide open, yet we often miss it in the darkness of our own self-hatred.

Healing is real, whether you feel it or not. Healing does not depend upon our feelings for its existence, for which I am eternally grateful.

I was recently speaking with a young adult who is struggling with self-hatred and fear that God wants nothing to do with her. During the conversation, she kept saying the word “feel”, as if that was the measuring stick for what is true and what is false. What seemed to be her greatest struggle was getting from “feelings” to the reality that truth exists outside of her feelings.

The hell you’ve created does not own you. You’re not a prisoner without a key. Healing is available, hope is very real, and you are not a mistake.

It’s time to stop being your own worst enemy. The hell of your own making is not your home.