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Fear, Pain, & A Self-Destructive Love Affair

Fear has been my closest friend for far too long in my life. Maybe you can relate; maybe you can’t. Sounds crazy, but it’s the truth.

Fears, tears, and doubts during high school and college? They were there for me when friends were nowhere to be found. Anxiety riding along with me on the subway in LA? It was my constant companion. Panic in uncertain circumstances? Always with me when everyone else disappeared.

Fear is my friend and anxiety is a dear love who stole my heart for many years…They never left my side. Let’s just say they like to hang out…Way too much.

Again, maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t. This love affair has been something I’ve distanced myself from gradually, healing from the abusive relationship through counseling and the awakening to who I long to become. We always hear that our friends take us up or down; maybe that explains all the lows…

As my journey of healing continues, I have found myself surrounding myself with new friends and lovers: hope, imagination, healthy self-respect, and grace.

Am I the only one who has found themselves feeling anxious and searching for something to fear, even when there is nothing to fear? It seems that when I get past one fear, I begin searching for another, as if I can’t live without my dear old friend…It’s amazing how the struggle with anxiety and depression can dictate our every thought when we’re infatuated with the false comfort of our pain.

I’ve shared this quote before, but I can’t get over such truth:

“Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.” – Charles Spurgeon

I’ve been my own worst enemy by allowing my disorder to become my friend. Will I continue to struggle with anxiety and depression? Most likely, yes, at least for a season. And yet, I must begin looking at these struggles as enemies of all that is good, rather than friends who stick with me through thick and thin…For they are not friends; they are struggles – brokenness that wages war against who I am and who I long to become.

Have you allowed your disorder and your brokenness to become a friend? Wouldn’t it be incredible if you began making new friends who bring out your best, even in the midst of your battles?

Our enemies have no right to dictate who we choose to become, for we always have hope and grace available to our broken hearts.

If your brokenness is a friend, then it is time to break up.